May 7th, 2013
I am frustrated i have not seen Zander in two days due to stupid ass cold. I miss my baby. Even though I don’t hold him or kiss him right now, I like being near. He knows when I am there. I miss him so so so much! He gained 2 ounces in 2 days. That is a big deal for a micropreemie. Dana and Sam went shopping and got Zander some cute stuff. With anchors and sail boats on it :) theme of his room. They are so kind. My baby shower is saturday, i am so exited but nervous no one will show up. I asked a good friend of mine,well who use to be a good friend. She doesn’t know if she is coming. I guess I kinda hoped she would. I gotta quit hoping on things to change. I ain’t begging Zander’s daddy to come see him anymore. If he doesn’t wanna spend time with his son, in his time of need in the NICU, I can’t exactly force him or guilt him. I am over trying to make him be a parent. If he doesn’t want to be Zander’s dad, maybe he should leave me and Zander be and keep the drama away. I will always love him, as Zander’s father, but I have lost all respect for him. Anyways my best friend is coming Thursday, there is something so calming when he comes. He reminds me everything will be alright. When I get upset, he is who I want. No one else calms me. Anyways enough rambling for tonight.
April 24, 2013
Andy came and saw Zander. Just something about him coming relaxed me, reminded me that everything is okay. He opened my blinds, and I was like there is sun! Like you forget what the sun looks like. It was so nice to see sunlight through the window, even though it was sooooooooooooo bright it hurt your eyes, all I could do was look out the window (too the roof, ain’t much to look at) but the sky was so blue. I did get discharged today, I am thankful to get out of the hospital, but now its like what do we do. The hospital was gracious enough to let me stay in the “room in” room tonight, one night deal kinda thing. It’s unfortunate that Ronald McDonald house is closed in Savannah right now, So right now its difficult to think about what about tomorrow night. But doctor appointment on St Simmons tomorrow, just check to see everything is okay, and to get meds straightened out. I am going back on my anxiety medicine, just to help deal with all the new people in and out of mine and Zander’s lives the next few months. And to help with the stress and keep me from freaking out on the little things, I hate when people ask me to make little pity decisions for them right now, it bothers me cause I got more to think about Zander wise than if you should leave or not. Honestly its like I don’t care, and I have always cared about people. I just don’t want the extra junk, I want to be focused solely on Zander. The past few days have been a blur, but I am upset with how Zander’s father handled things by leaving the first night to picking fights with me when no one was around to how his family was in my room (not even where Zander is, he can’t be he has to stay in the NICU) and they would converse with each other and not include me. They didn’t ask me if i felt okay, did i need anything, nor did they even have the decency to give me an hour alone to rest. I need rest. I haven’t slept but about 2 1/2- 3 hours since sunday morning. honestly i haven’t had a full night of sleep since thursday night, so i running low on energy. I am tired of typing, maybe more later. or tomorrow. Goodnight.
Zander was born exactly on my 24 week being pregnant. He is doing well, best he can be in the situation, Its going to be a long ride. Zander is a little fighter man, and the doctors, nurses, and staff at Memorial Medical Center have been angels with both him and I. I can not describe in words my gratitude for these men and women here in Savannah. They saved him. I don’t know how I can thank them enough for doing everything they can, between not allowing medicine before he was born and during delivery to making sure he is breathing, and his lungs don’t get stiff to the smallest details like checking and making sure I feel I am in the know of everything going on. Zander is a fighter, they do keep him double sedated due to 1) he likes to move and wiggle 2) he doesn’t liked to be touched, we are sure it hurts to be, and he panics when he feels someone, and 3) he gets so excited when he hears my voice or knows I am around, which warms my heart but under the circumstances I know he needs rest, so I talk a little to him, but not much so he can get as much rest as possible. I just feel relieved every time I have an opportunity to lay my eyes on him and see he is okay. I always look at his heart rate, and keep in mind not to be in too long so it doesn’t take away from the rest that he needs. I just need to physical see his okay. I am so proud of him, he has been in the NICU for exactly 48 hours and they have not had to shut down because of him, we continue to pray that is how this goes. That he stays strong, we got a good support system from the people in our town, to military, to people who we have never met praying for him. That to me is amazing. I am so thankful for all the support. If you are one of the prayers, your an angel, your amazing, and I love you. Right now there may be a lot of post, I am using this as a diary. journal. I need a way to express my stress. So if you get tired of reading, don’t want to read, I completely understand.
I wonder if Zander will like routines like I do. I get up everyday and do the same thing in the same order, and I love it. It makes me feel like things are in order. I can’t wait for Zander to get here in August :)
Why is it when you talk to girls, like their photos, or hangout with them, I am nice and polite and don’t care your with them. But when a guy writes something nice on my Facebook, you freak out. That one post made my day. And you will not mess it up.
“tbh what we had was something and was ruined by a uncontrolled situation but youll always have a piece of my heart and if you or your son ever need anything ill always be here for you”
I love the fact that he said that to me, it made me smile.